I've been really trying to be more vulnerable lately. Can you tell? ;)
I recently have become very interested in Brene Brown's work. The main thesis of her research says that the only way we can connect to one another is to be vulnerable. Of course, that's utterly terrifying because we kind of believe that vulnerability is weakness. Or a demonstration of possible weakness.
For a long time now, I've struggled with making friends and, clear to absolutely everyone at this point, having any kind of romantic relationship. But, you have to put yourself out there if you wanna meet and become involved with other people...and, I have not done that. At all. Maybe ever. So, there's that.
Part of my new practice is this blog, where I'm really discussing subjects I would have, in the past, felt were just plain old too personal to make public in any way. I find myself taking a deep breath before I hit 'publish' on these posts. Just like, the other day, when I sent a message to a guy on an online dating site. That didn't have a great result and, previously, that would have made me just completely shut down. Delete my profile. Hide out and give up. This time, though, I'm just figuring my choice wasn't a good one this time. I'll try again with someone else.
Isn't that the thing, though? Isn't being vulnerable and putting yourself out there also going to require dusting yourself off when things don't turn out the way you'd imagined? All functioning adults know this. I'm just getting comfortable with this. Right now. At age 37.
I don't like that I'm just now getting comfortable with this. This is something I should have been doing and experimenting with as a teenager. Instead, I just made a cocoon around myself. I hid out and stayed safe. I hate that. I also need to be kinder to myself about the whole thing. Whatever I did in the past, I can grow from here. It's scary. I think I'm ready, though.