You know that feeling you get when you don't have any plans for the weekend? Or, you haven't been out with friends for a few days? Or, you are watching Twin Peaks and eating a bowl of popcorn and you realize you've only talked to the dog in the last 48 hours? No? Well, those are things that happen to me often. I live alone. I am always alone. Most of my friends live far away from me. My family is all elsewhere. I am just me...and, the dog.
I can go for long stretches and not be bothered by this at all. In fact, there are many times that I am exceedingly grateful about being alone. I enjoy my alone time. I like to be able to stretch out in the bed. I like to watch Twin Peaks without having to answer any questions about it. I like to be able to eat popcorn for dinner if I feel like it. I am an introvert and have been on my own for so long now that I am generally content (or sometimes even thrilled) to be by myself.
Lately, though, I haven't been so content. As has been the pattern since I graduated from college, a string of my friends have gotten engaged or married recently. Each time a friend calls to say she's engaged, I feel a part of myself fold away - a part that had a heartbeat and its own little sunshine. I know that friends who marry are not gone. I'm still very close with many friends who are married (pretty soon, it will be all of my friends), but it still feels like I have been separated from something vital. I'm so happy for them. I love them. I can't help feeling so sad, though.
I can't envision a life in which I would ever find a partner of my own. A man who would share my life. That's just not something I've imagined since I was a child. Or, at least, since I was much younger than I am now. The truth is, I'm not sure I that. Still, I can't help feeling I've fallen behind. I've fallen way behind all of my peers and I'll never catch up. This is getting pretty self-pitying, I know. That's not my intention.
Every bit of this is by my own very flawed design. What I want to say, I guess, is that I worry about being all alone at the end of my life. I am torn into pieces with both joy and sorrow when a friend gets married. I am so utterly alone and I don't know how to fix it. I know I have friends. I love you all. I just wish you were closer. I wish I'd made different choices. Like I said a couple of weeks ago, I have so many regrets and I want to move past them. I'm not there yet. Maybe soon. Hopefully soon.